The Stinky Bathroom
by CJSpooks
Summary: This story takes Bathroom humor to the next level! The victims: The Crew of the Enterprise NX-01. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!! **CHAPTER 4 ADDED- Malcolm's bathroom story**
1. Archer Has To Go Potty

Author: CJSpooks

E-mail: CJSpooks@aol.com

Spoilers: Only little ones possibly…You'll barely notice any…I promise…

Rated: PG 

Category: Humor (I think), Parody (they are a little weird in this one…not like themselves…)

Sub-Category: Smelly Bathroom Fic/ Bad Fic (this sucks…) 

Summary: How each of the main characters (and memorable reoccurring characters) reacts on first coming into the same smelly bathroom…and who they automatically blame. Note: This is a really weird and silly Fic in which all the characters act out of character…so beware. 

Author's Notes: IF YOU DO NOT LIKE WEIRD AND SOMEWHAT FUNNY STORIES THAT INVOLVE THE CREW NOT ACTING LIKE THEMSELVES, DO NOT READ FURTHER! This story contains many characters acting extremely off character.

I dedicate this story and all of its contents to anyone who has ever gone into a smelly bathroom and has suffered intense trauma from the experience…

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I'm borrowing them for no reason at all except my pleasure and to please my fantastic audience. I just wish Malcolm were mine. If he were mine, he'd have more screen time and more episodes centered on him. Also, If Malcolm and Hoshi were mine, they'd be together already…and very happy. Please, don't sue. I don't own much stuff. I only have a TV, VCR, CD player, some crappy CDs, way too much X-Files, Enterprise, and Star Wars merchandise, lots of marble composition notebooks full of writing, a collection of Snapple bottle caps, and a bunch of crazy crap on the walls.

NOW ON TO THE STORY!

**********************************************************************

"Everything weird happens in the bathroom." –Anonymous

"Bathrooms are evil." –Unknown

***********************************************************************

The Bathroom 

By CJSpooks 

***********************************************************************

Chapter 1: Archer Has To Go Potty 

Some Innocent Unisex Bathroom on Enterprise

Captain Jonathan Archer (Johnny or Archie as his friends called him) walked through the corridor (NOT hallway, stupid!) hurriedly. He was in search of the nearest bathroom and he REALLY had to go. His face was bright red and he was grabbing his crotch (ew…I don't even want to think about it…gross, bad mental picture…now I won't be able to sleep tonight.) If the captain didn't relieve himself soon, he was going to EXPLODE! Lucky and unlucky for him, there was no one in the corridor (NOT hallway, stupid!) to see him and laugh or help. Though Archer had been on this ship for almost a year, he still did not know his way around. 

'Damn ship is too big! They should cut it in half or something…Where's the bathroom? Next time I venture away from the group…I mean other actors…no, I mean other characters…no, I mean the other bridge crew members…I write up a map with all of the ship's bathrooms on it. Wait, I'm the captain…I can order someone else to do it…I'll get Mr. Reed to do it for me…he's smart…' –the captain thought smiling. 

He kept walking until he made it to the nearest bathroom. However, when Archer was relieving himself at the urinal, he took a sniff at the air. He frowned. 

"Ew…yuck! It really stinks here…who did this? Trip! Did he do this? I think he had way too many catfish and pecan pie pieces yesterday…I shouldn't have let him eat that much! But you can't say no to that face…he's so cute!" –Archer said rather loudly. 

Just then, an innocent unnamed enlisted crewmember (say THAT three times fast!) comes out of a stall. He looks at the captain questionably and he leaves. 

In his defense, the captain says yelling after the crewman, "What? Trip is cute! And this bathroom is really smelly! Hey, I don't have to explain myself to you! I'm the Captain of this ship! You should love me and fear my wrath! Fear me! Love me! Please?" 

Archer zips up and then looks both ways and signals right before entering the corridor (NOT hallway, stupid!). (Also note: the captain is looking both ways because he's scared of incoming traffic…or is he looking for incoming traffic?) Anyway, the captain goes toward the bridge in search of the cute engineer named Trip with who he will have a long talk about overeating. 

To be continued in next installment…

Stay tuned for next chapter…

PLEASE REVIEW! NO FLAMES! (Me hate fire! Fire scares me!) Is this story funny or just plain stupid? Tell me in a review or e-mail/IM me at CJSpooks@aol.com. 

Coming soon (Will definitely be posted in near future): 

Chapter 2: T'Pol shows emotion

Chapter 3: Trip flushes the toilet with interesting results

Chapter 4: Malcolm…just goes 

Chapter 5: Hoshi attacks the toilet and it attacks back!

Chapter 6: Travis' odd bathroom habit

Chapter 7: Dr. Phlox babbles about what comes out the other end

Chapter 8: And who really did it?

***************************************************************

Extra chapters for fun (may be written later):

Chapter 9: Ensign Cutler toilet fishes

Chapter 10: Crewman Daniels reveals what role toilets play in Temporal Cold War

Chapter 11: Silik has WAY too much time on his hands

Chapter 12: That Vulcan Ambassador that I hate so much but I can't remember his name blames humans for everything 

Chapter 13: Admiral Forrest comes for a visit


	2. T'Pol Shows Emotion And it ain't pretty

Author's Notes: Hey, I'm Back! Did you miss me? (Only snores are heard…) Anyway, here's the next installment of the stupid fic, "The Bathroom". Thanks to all those who gave awesome encouraging reviews (at least someone is reading this crap!). I just hope this is better than the first chapter (I know it was twisted). Okay, now put your feet up and put the remote in the dishwasher (huh? Who in their right mind would put the remote in the dishwasher…oh crap!). DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW!

Disclaimer and other information: In first chapter (Go check if you don't believe me!)

Note: This is the result of way too much sugar and bean burritos…do not try this at home…(okay, fine, sure you can! I really don't care if you do!) Don't mind my crapped up grammar…I know it sucks…I'm stupid!

NOW ON TO THE STORY!

*******************************************************************

"Who cut the cheese?"

"Don't call me stupid, stupid!"

*******************************************************************

The Bathroom

By CJSpooks

*******************************************************************

Chapter 2: T'Pol shows emotion

Situation Room, Bridge, Enterprise

T'Pol (Poley, T'Pointy, Ice Queen, Booby, or "Dinners" to her fans and flamers alike) stood with her crewmates (see? Not friends, crewmates, stupid!) Around the (what IS that anyway?) visual monitor on the middle table. 

Trip was on her right, sniffing her in an odd matter. Archer was on her left, eyeing her from head to toe (focusing on her you know what's), licking his lips. Mayweather was (not dead…not yet, anyway) suspiciously smiling at her and nodding like a bobble head doll. Hoshi, on Mayweather's right, giggled softly and was batting her long eyelashes at the Sub-Commander. 

T'Pol's eyebrow went up faster than the speed of light. Reed, on the other hand, was babbling on and on about some kind of weapon of mass destruction. The senior staff had been standing there for about five hours already and Reed did not show any signs of stopping.

"With the installation of these new mega destructo bazooka action model type infinity seven hundred series (whew! That's a mouthful!) Phase modulated energy weapons (Or as I like to call them, "Malcolm's Boom toys"), it would make Enterprise look really cool like a lethal warship and then finally stage one of my plan to kill you all and take over the ship would be complete…did I say that last part out loud?" –Malcolm blushed.

All he heard were snores and loud groans in response.

"Anyway,"- Reed continued, "Now that you're all asleep and numb, I'm going back to my station to start on stage two of my plan because you all bore me and YOU ALL SUCK!"

Reed giggled like a girl and he skipped (Yes, skipped) back to his station (of terror).

T'Pol's eyebrow shot up again questionably. She then turned to Archer, "Captain, I believe Lieutenant Reed has been sniffing valve sealant again or he's high on air."

"Sure, fine, whatever, T'Pol." –Archer replied as he yawned. Archer looked at the rest of his senior staff. 

Trip was asleep…well, standing in an upright position. He was apparently having a nightmare. "Oh…no, mommy. Please, don't make me wear the boxers. I wanna wear the tightie whities with the Teletubbies on them. I don't wanna wear the Starfleet T-shirt. I wanna wear the red Power Ranger T-shirt. It's my favorite. And I don't wanna wear my cargo pants…I wanna wear my tight spandex pants. They're so cool!"

T'Pol raised her eyebrow (which will soon become her trademark or it will probably fall off in a freak accident) again, this time it scored an 8.7 with all the Vulcan judges! She said, "Captain, I believe Commander Tucker is having some sort of repressed memory that would explain his odd demeanor."

Archer laughed and said, "Good old Trip. Sure, fine, whatever, T'Pol."

Mayweather collapsed and he hit his head pretty badly on his way down to the floor. No one seemed to care. 

T'Pol spoke up, "I believe Ensign Mayweather has a concussion."

Archer stared blankly at the science officer. "May who? Anyway, Sure, fine, whatever, T'Pol?"

Hoshi woke up suddenly and she started screaming. Before T'Pol could say anything, Archer mouthed, "Sure…Fine…Whatever…T'Pol."

Just then, T'Pol grasped as she had an odd feeling. She grabbed her crotch. This would mean one of two things: 1) She had to go to the bathroom or 2)…actually, I'm not going to mention it…this fic is only rated PG…

T'Pol turns to the captain one last time, "Captain, May I please be excused? I have to use the facilities."

Archer giggles merrily and says, "Dear T'Pol, NO NO NO NO NO! Ha Ha! I don't like you. You suck…Just kidding! I think you're hot. Stop by my quarters after shift is over. Trip is cute. Sure, fine, whatever, T'Pol. Malcolm is macho. Hoshi is short. May who? Love you like crazy, Johnny." 

Archer smiles and winks at T'Pol. She frowns. "Let's get back to work, people! We have to look like we're smart and that we're actually doing something!"

***********************************************************************

An hour later, Bridge

T'Pol was still holding it in…she snapped her fingers to get the Captain's attention. She had to work fast since Archer had the attention span of a five-year-old. 

"Captain?"

"Yes, lovely?"

"Can I go to the bathroom?"

"Nope."

"Why?"

"Cause I said so! Ha!"

(Five minutes later)

"Please!"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"Pretty pretty please with sugar on top?"

"Are there sprinkles?"

"Sure, if you want."

"How about a cherry?"

"Sure."

"No."

(Five minutes after that)

"Come on, Captain. I'll do anything!"

"Anything?"

"Yes."

"Go out with me?"

"…"

"T'Pol?"

"Fine."

"Get naked?"

"When?"

"Now."

"…"

"T'Pol?"

"I will not do that."

"You know what my favorite place to visit is? Niagara Falls! It's so beautiful there with all the water flowing…flowing…FLOWING!"

At that moment, T'Pol couldn't take it anymore! She screamed wildly and then jumped out of her chair. She sprang on top of the Captain's chair. Everyone gasped as T'Pol hissed and grabbed Archer by the throat. 

Then she said in a sexy cat woman whisper, "I love to hate you, Archer. Damn you, I have to pee. If you don't let me go to the bathroom right now, human, I will surely kick your * BEEP *. (Oo…T'Pol has a potty mouth! She should wash her mouth out with soap!) 

Archer, in the manliest act of his pathetic life, breaks out crying for his mommy and daddy. T'Pol rushes off the Bridge to the bathroom. 

***********************************************************************

Some Innocent Unisex Bathroom on Enterprise (same one Archer went to in first chapter)

When she enters she sniffs the air. "What the * BEEP * is that? I bet it was that * BEEP * hole Archer. She shrugs and she enters the first stall. And…she goes. 

To be continued in next installment…

Stay tuned for next chapter…

PLEASE REVIEW! NO FLAMES! (Me hate fire! Fire scares the * BEEP * outta me!) Is this story funny or just plain stupid? Tell me in a review of email/ IM me at CJSpooks@aol.com.

Next Chapter: Chapter 3: Trip flushes the toilet with interesting results. 


	3. Trip flushes the toilet with interesting...

Author's Notes: Halo! Guess what? (Chicken butt) I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack! Aren't you glad? Anyway, here's the next installment of the stupid fic, "The Bathroom". Thanks to all those who gave me great feedback of the last chapter (I can't believe anyone would enjoy reading this crap!). I just hope this is at least a little better than the first two chapters (I know they were weird). Okay, now sit back and put your tray tables in the upright position. DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW!

Disclaimer and other information: In first chapter (Go check if you don't believe me!)

Note: This is the result of sniffing way too many rotten bananas…damn monkeys! Don't mind my crapped up grammar…I know it sucks…I'm stupid!

NOW ON TO THE STORY!

*******************************************************************

"Toilets are the best at keeping secrets…" –Toilet lover

"Do you know of any words that rhyme with toilet?"- Toilet poet

*******************************************************************

The Bathroom

By CJSpooks

*******************************************************************

Chapter 3: Trip flushes the toilet with interesting results

Some crappy corridor (not hallway, stupid!) on Enterprise

Commander Charles Tucker III, the Chief Engineer (Called "Trip" by his adoring fans, "Charlie" by Archer, "Commander" by Malcolm, "Big Sexy Macho Man with a small *BEEP*" to T'Pol and everyone else who has seen him in his skivvies or much less) walked towards the bridge. He was smiling like George W. Bush in front of the media (in other words, he looked like a plain idiot with nothing to do…poor guy). The few crewmen that passed him either growled or laughed as he passed. 

Anyway, Trip was on his merry little way until he heard some sounds coming from the nearest bathroom. Trip ran quickly down the corridor (not hallway, stupid!) until he saw Malcolm standing outside the bathroom with Travis and Hoshi. Trip smiles and greeted them, 

"Hey, guys. What're you doing?"

Travis, Hoshi, and Malcolm did not respond. Instead, they just screamed "Fire in the hole!" and the three bolted down the corridor (not hallway, stupid!) in a hurry.

"What's their beef?"-Trip said in confusion

But then, Trip's eyes widened in realization and terror. He tried to run, but he was too late. The bathroom door opened and a giant wave of water flowed out the door and onto Trip. 

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

************************************************************************

About twenty minutes later

Trip jerked awake on the toilet. "What the…? How'd I get in here?" 

"You were dreaming my love." –answered a voice. 

"Oh." –Trip sighed, "My dream felt so real."

"It's okay…are you going now?"

"Going?"

"You know…to the bathroom?"

"I thought I was in the bathroom."

"You are…I mean…are you going to use me?"

"Yeah…hold on, darlin."

Trip unzips his pants and…

************************************************************************

ATTENTION! BEFORE WE CONTINUE WITH THIS CRAP…I MEAN STORY, I MUST INTERRUPT WITH AN IMPORTANT ADVERTISEMENT FOR A NEW MEN'S BODY SPRAY, FAD…(Fragrance Against Dirt)

Voiceover: It's a hot Saturday night in July at 10:30

(Jim pulls up in a BMW with CJ)

Jim: (yawns and puts arm around CJ smoothly) Nice night, isn't it?

CJ: Yeah

(Voiceover man walks by with a "30 minutes later" sign)

(Jim and CJ go in for a kiss)

CJ: OH MY GOD! You stink!

Jim: No, I don't! 

(Both of them freeze)

Voiceover: Has this ever happened to you? I mean, it's happened to all of us. Hey, do you remember when Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake went out? Well, at first Justin was also quite the rotten apple, so he started to use FAD, our latest product in Men's cologne. Now let's see what happens when our friend over here starts using FAD.

(Voiceover man walks over to the car window. He knocks.)

Jim: Hold on…yeah?

Voiceover man: Take this as a blessing. (He sprays FAD into the car)

Jim: Ahhh! My eyes!

CJ: What's that great smell?"

Jim: It must be that new Fragrance Against Dirt…FAD!

CJ: Ah…

(Voiceover man comes in between them.)

CJ: If you smell bad…

Jim: Hey, (shrugs)

Voiceover man: Just get FAD! (Holds up can) It's on sale for only $24.95 at your local Macy's department store.

(Jim holds up a plus tax sign. He then crumples it and throws it over his shoulder.)

(CJ, Voiceover man, and Jim then turn around and it spells FAD.)

(CJ- "F"

Voiceover man- "A"

Jim-"D")

End of Commercial 

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO THIS STUPID INTERRUPTION…NOW BACK TO THE STORY!

************************************************************************

(Where we left off)

…He goes to the bathroom. He flushes. 

"I love you, Trip." –says the Toilet (the voice)

"I love you too."-Trip says as he washes his hands. He sniffs the air…

"Ew! Yuck! What the hell is that?"

" I don't know. I don't have a nose." –replies the toilet AKA Trip's lover.

"Oh…um…it's the smell…"

"Who do you think it was?"

"Probably that dang Brit, Malcolm. He may have had too much pineapple, if you catch my drift."

The toilet laughs

"What are we going to do about that awful smell?"

The Voiceover man from the FAD commercial comes into the bathroom. 

"Who're you?"-Asked Trip

"Didn't you watch the commercial?" –the toilet asked Trip

"No…I dozed off, sorry."

"Anyway," –Voiceover man started to say, "Here…you need this."

Voiceover man whips out a bottle of FAD. "FAD! It's a new product in men's cologne. Try it."

Trip does.

"Mm…what's that nice smell?" –the toilet said

"Wait…I thought you said you can't smell." –Trip said

"I can't…it's on the script."

"Oh."

Trip, the toilet, and Voiceover man stand in silence…they have no idea what to do next. 

Trip then does what any normal guy would do in this situation. He grabs Voiceover man's head and pushes it into the toilet bowl. He flushes. 

"Ah…a swirly…I feel better."

End scene…end chapter…

Voiceover man's screams are heard…"HELP! My head is stuck in the damn toilet!"

To be continued in next installment…

Stay tuned for next chapter…

PLEASE REVIEW! NO FLAMES! (Me hate fire! Fire scares the * BEEP * outta me!) Is this story funny or just plain stupid? Tell me in a review of email/ IM me at CJSpooks@aol.com.

Next Chapter: Chapter 4: Malcolm…just goes


	4. Malcolm just goes

Author's Notes: Halo! There's nothing to say, really so:

ON TO THE STORY!

*******************************************************************

"Toilets and paparazzi don't mix." –Anonymous Urinal Guy

"Neither does bean dip and a keg of beer" –His friend 

*******************************************************************

The Stinky Bathroom

By CJSpooks

*******************************************************************

Chapter 4: Malcolm just…goes

(Some corridor on Enterprise…near "the Bathroom"…yes, it's the same one used in all the other chapters…don't they have more than one bathroom?)

Lieutenant Malcolm Reed, armory officer aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise NX-01, walked down the corridor to the "bathroom from hell". He wasn't even worried about how it got that name…but he had heard stories…Malcolm just really had to go to the bathroom.

'If anyone gets in my way, I'll shoot them.' –Malcolm thought happily.

The other crewmembers who saw him walking through the corridor (not hallway, stupid!) either chose to scamper away in fear or fainted, terrified. Did I mention that he was carrying a phase rifle?

Anyway, by the time he got there, no one was even in a one-kilometer radius of his current position.

'Oh poo…I got a big gun and no one to shoot.' Malcolm pouted.

Malcolm walked to the urinal, unzipped his pants and…

"Hey! Hold it right there! Stop stalking me! I don't want anyone staring at my 'little fellow', all right? I have enough rumors circulating about me. People think I'm gay, insane, etc. I don't need any talk about my…blushes and then whispers penis too."

Okay, at this time, everyone in the camera crew stepped out (mostly in fear of being shot my Malcolm…though he has really bad aim, anyway) to give Malcolm his privacy.

(Eight minutes later)

Malcolm came out of the bathroom. And a barrage of paparazzi greeted him. They flashed many pictures and asked many questions… Malcolm answered in his normal manner:

Reporter: Malcolm, how long is your 'little fellow'? 

Malcolm: Longer than yours the crowd laughs

Reporter (that looks at lot like Trip): Malcolm, do you think Trip…I mean, Commander Tucker is cute?

Malcolm: I'm not gay…Trip, is that you?

Reporter: Are you involved with Hoshi Sato?

Malcolm: Yes…we were married in a fan fiction entitled, "The Relationship" by CJSpooks. Go read it! 

Reporter: Are you on any medication?

Malcolm: Only because of temporary flatulence.

Reporter: Are you insane, Lieutenant Reed?

Malcolm: Maybe…want to see my gun?

Malcolm runs into the bathroom to evade anymore questions. The Reporters continue to harass Malcolm. They try to push in the door. Malcolm locks it tightly. 

He then sniffs the air. "Ew…what the hell is that smell? I guess it was that boomer kid Travis…he always eats beans…or was it me?"

Anyway, Malcolm takes a bomb from a hidden compartment in the floor. 'I was saving this for Archer…but I guess it would suffice for now.'

He turns it on and throws it outside the door. Malcolm makes a heroic jump for cover as…

BOOM! 

Malcolm steps out of the bathroom. All the reporters have melted into goo, except Trip. 

"Ew…I didn't know that extras can melt…this is gross, Mal." –Trip said

"Don't call me that or I'll shoot you with my phase rifle." –Malcolm said as he kisses his phase rifle. 

Malcolm and Trip walk away.

"Cleanup in corridor (not hallway, stupid!) 156!" 

"Damn…Malcolm ruins all the nice sets…I mean corridors. That's why we can't have nice things…"

End of Chapter 4 

To be continued in next installment…

Stay tuned for next chapter…

PLEASE REVIEW! NO FLAMES! (Me hate fire! Fire scares the * BEEP * outta me!) Is this story funny or just plain stupid? Tell me in a review of email/ IM me at CJSpooks@aol.com.

Next Chapter: Chapter 5: Hoshi attacks the toilet and it attacks back!


End file.
